Birds are the devil

It's no secret that I hate birds. Those bitches are mean and disgusting. Just the other week I in my car, reading the last of When You Are Engulfed in Flames, when a flock of mockingbirds swarmed my car. Mostly they just pooped all over it, but one of those fuckers tried to get in through the window I'd left cracked. He kept trying to squeeze his diseased-ridden body through the 1 inch opening, and when he finally realized he wasn't going to make it in, he hurled himself repeatedly again the window before attacking his reflection in my side-view mirror. I was so shocked by the initial onslaught I spilled my delicious apple cider in my lap. After the birds left, I sat in my car, shaking, and looked around the parking lot to see if anyone else had witnessed my "When Animals Attack" experience. Seriously, I think the kamikaze one had rabies.

Dr. Zibbs from That Blue Yak posted a truly horrifying story yesterday about some hillbilly who passed out in the desert and woke up as a TURKEY BUZZARD landed on his chest. Dr. Zibbs touted it as a "funny story" but it was actually a terrifying story. After I read it I threw up on my desk. Well, maybe I didn't actually throw up, but I was seriously disturbed. I tried to shake it off and leave a funny comment, pretending that I wasn't way freaked out, but all I could think about was a huge-ass vulture sitting on my chest, getting ready to use his sharp beak to peck out my eyes AND EAT THEM. I'm getting goose bumps just thinking about it.

Even if I didn't like to eat poultry I still would do it, just to show those fuckers who's the boss.

I'm sorry I said 'fuckers' twice. Well, now three times. See what birds do to me?

Spiders are my friends

Remember a while ago when I told you about Charlotte? Well, I finally had to break her web and take the garbage out, and then I didn't see her anymore. Even though she didn't ever do anything really cool like write me a note or catch a mockingbird in her web, I was kind of sad to see her go.

Yesterday, though, I saw these two hanging out in the trees in the backyard:

I named them Nellie and Joy after Charlotte's daughters that stayed with Wilbur. If I find a third, I'll name her Aranea. If I find anymore, I'm just going to hand out numbers until their personalities emerge. I'm going to make more of an effort with these two; having two big ol' spiders as my friends might be kind of fun.



I can't wait!

I made a comic...

...but Blogger is being a bitch and isn't letting me upload it. Maybe tomorrow...I'll revel in the killing of sacrifice a mockingbird to the Blogger gods and see if that makes a difference.

I hate birds

Birds and I have never seen eye to eye. Mainly because I am seriously afraid that they will peck my eyes out. I don't get people who keep them as pets--I prefer my companion animals a little less delicate and a lot more cuddly. Plus, you can totally trick birds into thinking it's nighttime by putting a blanket over their cage. Ernie's not the smartest cookie in box, but even he's not so easily fooled. My aunts have a bird they've trained to poop on command, which I admit is kind of a cool trick, but I have two dogs that have trained themselves to poop in the farthest corner of the yard so I don't have to constantly be on the lookout for doggie landmines. I think that makes dogs the winner.

I've taken to hiding from the mocking devil birds that live in the hedge next to my house. They've claimed the front porch by pooping all over the railing, and I refuse to sit out there to be dive-bombed by those relentless sons of bitches. Also I refuse to poop all over the railing. Hemo hasn't given in to their tyrannical ways. She continues to bask in the sunshine and keep an eye on the comings and goings of the neighbors. I tried to get an action shot of the dive-bombing, but I flinched everytime and only got blurry pictures.

She even tried to encourage me to reclaim the porch, but I'm a chicken. I sat on the guest bed with Ernie and watched the mocking birds crap all over the porch from behind the safety of the window.

Mockingbirds are not funny at all

I've mentioned before the annoying mockingbirds that have taken up residence in my hedge. Not content to be merely annoying, they now pose a threat to my physical well-being.

For a while they had actually fallen off my radar. It's been pretty hot in NC, so I've been spending most of my time inside, enjoying the AC and bonging beers checking out the previous tenants' newest Highlights magazine practicing my American Gladiator moves catching up on my laundry. While checking the mailbox for my new Netflix movies, I detected a faint breeze and decided to take advantage of the break in the stifling heat and enjoy a cold beer and a book in my rocking chair on the front porch.

Three-quarters of a page and 1/2 of a Bud Lite Lime (I know, I know, they are disgusting but delicious) later, I was dive bombed by a pair of mockingbirds! I'm sure you are aware that birds are not only dirty disease carrying rodents with wings, but they will not hesitate to peck out your eyes with their beaks whilst they beat you about the head with their wings! Needless to say, I freaked. I dove from my chair, spilled my beer all over the porch, and flung my book over the railing into the hedge. I don't think anyone saw me ("Hey, that crazy white girl just poured beer all down her front!"), but after I was safely inside, I looked out the window to see Hemo dozing on the porch while the mockingbirds dive bombed her, one after the other. She was unperturbed; in fact, she seemed to enjoy the breeze that ruffled her fur as they flew past.

Hemo is a Bad Mutha Fudrucker.

Our backyard

It's been a slow day for blogging, so I thought I'd whip up a map of our backyard (except I left out the grill and the porch swing, as both have been moved to the front porch).

1. The dead zone: Don't even think about walking through here, unless you like stepping on turds, both fresh and petrified.
2. The back gate: Like raptors, the boys check this every time they go out, just to make sure it's closed and latched. Trust me, it's not fun jogging through the neighborhood asking everyone if they've seen two pit bulls running by. "Don't worry--they're nice!"
3. The dwarf telephone pole: At 4 feet tall, it is enjoying it's retirement from telecommunications duty, and now serves as a peeing post for the boys.
4. Ernie's race track: This is the figure eight Ernie runs at least 20 times a day. Dexter will chase him for about 6 laps, but then he lies in ambush in the center.
5. The lawn table: This is a glass-topped table I use as a dining room table, since I have no dining room and very few dinner guests. Sometimes it has chairs around it, sometimes the chairs have migrated to the front porch. It's main purpose is to anchor Ernie's track.
6. The bush: I wouldn't know poison ivy from a daffodil, so don't ask me what kind of bush this is, but it's where the cardinals have taken up residence. The dogs like to lay underneath it when it gets hot.
7. The back porch/back door: This is where I sit and take pictures of the boys. I also look out the back door from the kitchen to make sure they are both still in the yard, and not trolling the neighborhood for chicks. This is also where Hemo guards the house from the mocking birds.
8. The house: Nothing much to see here. Just 600 square feet of me space.
9. The forbidden zone: This would be the ideal poop spot for the boys, except for one problem: there is no fence bordering this section of the yard! A major design flaw. I'm not sure why the landlord would take the trouble to build a nice tall privacy fence around the entire yard and omit this 4 foot stretch, but the purchase of chicken wire is in my very near future.