We've moved! Check us out at

badmuthafudruckers.wordpress.com

Come on...you know you want to.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

In which I dream about calling the maintenance man, or Julie Gets a Microwave

Sitting at a friend's house eating pancakes and sausage for dinner recently, I announced that I thought Julie had gotten a microwave for Christmas, but I wasn't sure and maybe I just dreamed that. I'm not 100% sure what prompted me to make this announcement; Julie wasn't even present at dinner. Perhaps it was the wish that I had taken the time to microwave the syrup before I poured it over my pancakes, or maybe it was a random brain synapse firing. I guess it doesn't really matter.

What matters is that I have boring dreams. I have dreams about regular, everyday things. For example, about 5 years ago when I shared an apartment with 2 girlfriends, I was supposed to call the front office to get someone to come out and look at the fan in our laundry room which wasn't working. A couple days pass and one of my roommates, A, asked me if I had called, to which I replied that I hadn't called because our other roomate, D, had called. A few more days pass and no one comes to look at our fan. Why? Because D hadn't called; I had just dreamed that she did. WTF? Get an imagination, you freak.

I've been reading Cake Wrecks for a couple of months now, and I've started having dreams about decorating cakes and I now believe I have the skills to appear on an episode of Ace of Cakes. How hard could it be to sculpt the Backyardigans out of fondant? Never having baked or decorated a cake in my life without the aid of my pals Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker, I bragged to my sister Lauren about my imaginary new-found skill with a pastry bag. She, in turn, told my sister Anne, who is getting married this May, about my new calling in life.

Anne and her fiance have very set ideas about how they want their wedding to go down, and are both working at least 2 jobs to finance it. I'm extremely proud of her for being so responsible, even if her job as a manager at a children's clothing store did prompt her to send me the following email:

To: badmuthafudrucker@gmail.com
Re: Retail rules


Rule Number 1:
I AM NOT A BABYSITTER --
in fact you probably don'twant to just let your kids run around wild in hopes that I'll watch them. I'd probably let them put a dirty penny in their mouth and watch as you are mortified because you weren't watching them and they decided to suck on a penny - why not? It's shiny, they have nothing better to do. I know those evil glances you're giving as you yell at your child and force them to spit out their shiny metal snack are meant for me, but unfortunatly for you, you cannot place the blame on me in front of the 3 other sets of parents who are looking at you as though you were reading Britany Spears' memoirs of motherhood (hopefully she doesn't really write memoirs of her experience as a mother, it may cause further and irreversible damange to her boys as they grow old enough and some stranger teaches them how to read).

Besides, if you leave your kids to me, how am I supposed to pull all the sizes you want to try on in all the colors and outfits you came in here for in the first place?

Oh and if you ask me to put in a movie for them to watch I will probably be more interested
in that (no matter how many times I've seen Ella Enchanted in the past week) than catering to your every need.


well i hope you enjoy this and it makes you pee your pants a little bit.
-------------------------------------------------


Ah, the pleasures of working in retail.
Anyway, a recent phone call between myself and Anne goes down like this:
Me: Hey Anne!
Her: Hey. Lauren said you wanted to make my wedding cake?
Me: Well, what I said was that I have mad dream skills at decorating cakes.
Her: So you'll make my wedding cake? We just want something simple. All white. With roses.
Me: What if it comes out looking like vomit on a plate? But it still tastes good? Will you hate me forever?
Her: Probably. We want red velvet. I'll send you a picture. [click] dial tone
Me: Wait...


So she wants this:

[image credit: http://www.uniquecake.co.uk/]


But I'm afraid she'll get this:

[image credit: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com]

Looks delicious. Anyone have a good Red Velvet cake recipe?

22 comments:

andyhannon said...

Make me a cake!

....just cause.

I'm not picky.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I'm pretty sure the following holds true ...

Normal dreams = Normal in life
Crazy dreams = Lots and lots of issues to work on.

Don't sweat it!

Marie said...

mmmmmm....pancakes :)

~Trish~ said...

Cake is cake at this point...damn diets

raggedyanne642 said...

i don't believe i was that rude when we talked about my cake ... but i was surrounded by screaming kids and inattentive parents, it's very much possible

oh i was at michael's today looking for some wedding stuff ... stamps for favor boxes and they had some really cool cake decorating things you'll have to check it out

Lump said...

just buy a cake... she won't know the difference. well, hopefully.

or buy three red velvet cakes from like Walmart and stack them on top of each other and then add your own personal touch.

I think the second cake looks quite awesome actually. :)

... said...

i dream about super super boring stuff, too! like loading the dishwasher and driving to work. i thought i was just a boring freak.

*Jac* said...

I never have boring dreams, but I still always think that they're real. I think this is because my life is one big cosmic joke, like a dream.

surviving myself said...

I once had a dream (when I was still a smoker) that I was standing in the middle of nowhere, smoking a cig. When I was done, the dream ended.

I thought that was it for me, I was going to die from smoking, but I'm still here.

For now.

*~Dani~* said...

Great. My dreams are very long and detailed and usually crazy. According to SoMi's Nilsa, I have many issues to work on. Good thing I just blog instead.

If you make a cake and post a picture, I promise not to send it into Cake Wrecks even though I read it regularly.

saratogajean said...

andy - I'll send you the rejects.

nilsa - Sweet.

marie - Mmmm...sausage dipped in syrup.

trish - I hear you. I have to make some practice cakes, so someone *else* is going to have to taste them.

anne - Maybe it was just my nerves. I don't want to ruin your wedding! I mean, you are already marrying a Canadian...

lump - I haven't ruled out resorting to Betty Crocker.

ashley - We can be boring freaks together.

Jac - I either have really boring dreams or serial killer dreams. Either one isn't very restful.

surviving myself - Maybe standing in the middle of nowhere is going to kill you. Watch out!

dani - Once I dreamed that someone was torturing a mother by breaking her baby's fingers, one by one. I think that qualifies me as crazy, too.

Dingo said...

I rarely remember my dreams except that last night, I dreamt about the doctors from Grey's Anatomy. They were not making cake unless it was BEEFCAKE! Oh yes, I went there.

Dingo said...

When I worked retail after college, there was a woman would would come in and shoplift by taking tons of baby clothes to the dressing room and putting them on her kids. The manager never called security because she felt sorry for her.

Daisee579 said...

I regularly check out Cake Wrecks too! Now I scope out grocery store cake aisles to see what nonsense they have going on. It's a fun game I play because I'll never remember to coordinate bringing a camera, stealthily taking a picture, and emailing to them. Yeah, I guess I'm boring too if that's what I do for fun.

And even though I have no idea where you live or anything, I'll totally eat some of your rejects. Even if they look like vomit on a plate. I just ask that there's lots of cold milk to go with it :)

rs27 said...

I think its weird that you sister sends e-mail to your blog e-mail address.

saratogajean said...

dingo - Beefcake, huh? Sounds delicious. Was there cream cheese frosting?

Scumbag. The stealing lady, not you. Or your manager.

daisee - Cake Wrecks rocks. Whew, say that 10 times fast.

rs27 - She's the weird one.

c.watson said...

I like the second cake better. But then again I had a dream last night that I was on a show like who wants to date a millionaire except the bachelor guy was my ex boyfriend, and even though I kept trying I couldn't get off the stage. And when I did finally get off the stage I had to run down a bunch of steps covered in rose petals and pearls. I think I'm normal...

Kate said...

I think my dreams are real too sometimes. I have to call people and find out what really happened.

whoops. that was when I was drinking....

Kylie said...

Wow! Good luck on the cake decorating!
I also have the lamest dreams on the face of the earth! I sometimes wish I would take acid right before bed, just to have a dream worth remembering! ;)

LiLu said...

BRINNER!!! Who doesn't love brinner?

This one is supposed to be amazing, from Bakerella: http://bakerella.blogspot.com/2007/12/red-velvet-cake-balls.html

I'm sure you could adapt it to a full cake recipe?

saratogajean said...

c. watson - Did you trip over the pearls like they were marbles?

kate - What, no sober black outs?

kylie - Holy smokes, you'd probably have nightmares.

lilu - I love breakfast-for-dinner. Especially omelettes with tomatoes, onions, crumbled bacon and feta cheese...mmm.

BrazenBareToe said...

I had a dream about piping frosting on cupcakes, they came out beautiful. You know what that means right, it means I would totally be a great sous chef for your cake making business.

Post a Comment