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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Peace out, Ninjas

I'm leaving work early today and I won't be back until Monday. Which means I'll be doing a lot of this:

and a lot of this:

while the dogs do a lot of this:

and this:

and this:

but not a lot of blogging.

Monday the winner of the Pay it Forward contest will be announced! There is still time to enter!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Fact or Fiction Tuesday

Item 1:

Statement: Because you caught me updating my Netflix queue at work, I have enough time on my hands to help you organize your Mortar, Concrete, and Grout Test Reports.

Sure, I have a little time on my hands. I'm efficient. That doesn't mean I have time to do your job, too. Just to clear something up--when I helped you out a month ago clear off the landfill you call a desk, I wasn't setting up a standing date. Stop hinting that you could really use my organizational skills again. Buying me lunch isn't going to entice me back into the no man's land that is your office. It smells like onions and feet. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a couple of hundred unread blog posts to attend to in my Google Reader. Good day, sir.

Item 2:

Statement: I enjoy coming home to find 3 or 4 pairs of underwear scattered about the house, sans crotch.

Obviously. Otherwise why would I leave my underwear on the very top of my tall dresser, easily accessible to any passing pitbull with a vertical leap of 6' or more? Clearly I am too good to wear any single pair of panties more than once.

Item 3:

Statement: Traffic signs displaying 'SPEED LIMIT 45' should be interpreted to mean 'drive as slow as you'd like, preferably 30 mph.'

Surprising, I know. Even though one of my headlights burned out last week so I am forced to drive with my brights on to avoid a ticket until I can convince Steve to help me replace the bulb, know that I would be driving with my brights on behind you even if it this wasn't the case. Because I'd like to be home at 5:45 on a Friday evening, not crawling behind your slow ass, watching as you gab on the phone and toss your cigarette butts out of the window. You probably can't tell because my bright lights are in your rear view mirror, but I'm giving you the finger.

Item 4:

Statement: I would kick ass at Wheel of Fortune.


PLUS I would not be a greedy spinner, risking bankrupting myself while trying to up my winnings for the round. I would be content win a couple thousand each round, and really clean up in the 'toss up' rounds. I wouldn't scream or lose my cool when I landed on a big money space, either. I'd calmly collect my cardboard pie piece which represented a trip to New Mexico, and laugh all the way to the bonus round. Which I would win. Then I would give Pat Sajak a high-five and smile at Vanna as she opened the door to the brand new Chevy convertible I had just won. I'd pretend I was driving and honk the horn as the program faded to commercial.

Item 5:

Statement: You can win cool stuff just by commenting on this blog.


Click here for details.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Who writes checks anymore, anyway?

One of my best friends is staying with me for a month until she leaves for France, so I've been trying to keep the house in a semi-orderly state. Lucky for me I've found a couple of cleaning ladies who don't mind working for cheap.

The younger one was pretty gung-ho...

...while the older one was a bit condescending.

The owner was a real bitch, though.


Anywhoo, last Friday while I was busy giving her an award for her so-hilarious-I-almost-peed-my-pants-that-one-time blog, Dolce was busy giving me one. Awesome! Validation, how I crave thee...

Now I'm supposed to give it to 5 other Uber Amazing bloggers. You should, like, totally be reading these blogs if you aren't already. So here they are, in a particular order which I will not divulge:

Kate at New Life in South Dakota because I think it is Uber Amazing how she's taken control of her life, and I always find her posts inspiring. PLUS she has a cooking blog which is new but still ROCKS.

Dingo at As I was Saying because of her Uber Amazing photoshop skillz. Yes, with a Z because they are that amazing.

Crissy at Crissy's Page because it is the first blog I read in the morning to reward myself for making it to work yet another day. Also she is an Uber Amazing Hot Mommy Blogger.

Lisa at Lemon Gloria; a blog I've just started reading but is hilarious and Uber Amazing.

Ben at No Ordinary Rollercoaster because his lunch box rivals mine for it's Uber Amazing-ness. Also I hope he will take me on a date.

P.S. Don't forget about the contest! You don't even have to have a blog (or a pit bull) to win!

Friday, November 21, 2008

BlogSecret pt. II

So...remember the BlogSecret post I hosted where Anonymous wrote a beautiful letter to a girl I'm calling Potential? Remember how we have been on pins and needles waiting to hear if Anonymous would take our collective advice and share the letter with Potential?

Well, Anonymous just sent Potential a birthday card with the address of the post.

Fingers crossed! Keep us updated, Anonymous!

P.S. Don't forget about the contest.

I know it's just a t-shirt and a couple of coozies, but we are in an Economic Crisis!

You know that scene in Erin Brokovich where her biker boyfriend presents Julia Roberts with a pair of earrings after giving her a speech about how he had been planning on giving them to her the next time she said 'thank you' or did something nice? And how that never happened so he was just going to give them to her now, as he broke up with her?

Well, I told myself last night that I'd do a bloggy give away as soon as I won something. Lo and behold, Lump gave me an award! Sweet. Happy Friday to me!

To prevent my Fabulous Crown from being snatched from my head as I cry and run stumbling from the catwalk, scalp bleeding and mascara running, I am to list 5 of my addictions, and pass it along to 5 other fabulous bloggers.

My addictions:

1. Tetris - Steve has two bathrooms in his house; one is the regular, public bathroom and the other one I call the 'poopy bathroom' in my head because it is in the master bedroom and this is where I go when I need to see a man about a horse. In addition to the Maxim magazines, there is a Game Boy. I have sat there, pants around my ankles, for upwards of 45 minutes playing Tetris and trying to beat his high score. I have been as of yet unsuccessful, but maybe I'll make some chili this weekend and get in some quality time with the Game Boy.

2. Serial novels - I cannot pass up a book series. Sometimes this is good; the Dune series, the Chronicles of Narnia, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Harry Potter, etc. Some times this is not so good. See: Clan of the Cave Bear. The first book was good alright, but the series quickly devolves into soft core housewife porn. I couldn't stop, though. I slogged through to the end of the series, however, and towards the end it seemed like every other page was a mammoth on human rape scene. When I finally finished, I felt dirty.

3. Socks - I need to have socks on ALL THE TIME. Even if I kick them off during the night, I have a hard time falling asleep without socks on. These little piggies get cold.

4. Karaoke - Karaoke is like a drug to me. Once I sing one song, I want need to sing another, and another, and another, until I'm signing up for songs under various pseudonyms in a desperate attempt to trick the DJ into letting me sing more songs, boasting proudly that "karaoke is 2% singing ability and 98% song choice," and loudly promising to vomit on the next person who sings "Strawberry Wine."

5. Biting my fingernails - Hi, my name is Sarah and I am a nail biter. It's disgusting, I know, but I CAN'T STOP.

I'm passing this along to the following bloggers:

Katie @ save the pitbull, save the world because I am in awe of all the fabulous work she's done with her adorable pitties, Luce and Mushroom.

LBluca77 for her fabulous bacon eating abilities.

BrazenBareToe for pointing me in the direction of the torture fabulous experience that is NaNoWriMo.

Dolce @ La Dolce Vita for her fabulous ability to make my co-workers doubt my sanity as I laugh out loud not-so-quietly at my desk.

Finally, to Nilsa @ SoMi for organizing and hosting the fabulous BlogSecret.

Ok, so the first Bad Mutha Fudruckers' Pay it Forward Give Away.

The prizes: A t-shirt and two coozies from Wilmington's Most Awesome Dex And Ernie Friendly Bar, The Barbary Coast.

*actual t-shirt/coozy design may vary slightly, as I just made these up from memory in MS Paint today*

How to win
: Leave a comment starting today (11/21) and ending Sunday, November 30 to be entered in the contest. One entry for each comment (multiple comments=multiple entries, up to 2 per post). If you have a blog and pimp this contest on it, you can earn yourself another entry (leave me a comment letting me know you are a pimp). Feel free to use this badge:

The winner will be determined by a random number generator and announced Monday, December 1st. The winner is expected to host their own Pay It Forward Give Away, with their own prizes and rules, thus Paying It Forward.

Questions? No? Good.

If you have a question and are too embarassed to ask in front of the entire class, you can email a Mutha Fudrucker at badmuthafudrucker [at] gmail [dot] com.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Deal or No Deal

I was in Food Lion last night picking up some necessities like Miller Lite and breath freshening dog treats while talking to my sister on the phone and wandering aimlessly through the aisles when I came upon a display of DVDs.

Closer review warranted this photo:

Your eyes are not deceiving you. Both Scooby Doo meets Batman and Stranger than Fiction are being offered for the low low price of just $9.99.

I just bought Superbad and The Darjeeling Limited from Netflix for $5.99 each. But Scooby Doo meets Batman?!? Interesting premise, I'll have to admit.

I am full of questions: Does Velma pull Batman's mask off after they track him back to the Batcave? Did they follow the tire marks of phosphorescent bat guano left by the Batmobile? Would Bruce Wayne still be free to stalk the evil-doers of Gotham if it weren't for those meddling kids? If I can't come up with suitable answers I may have to spend the $10 just to slake my curiosity.

Stranger than Fiction for $9.99, though; that is a pretty sweet deal.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm addicted to losing

Want to win some free stuff? Check out BrazenBareToe's give away contest. I'm thinking about starting a Pay it Forward give away, myself. Although other than a Barbary Coast t-shirt and coozy, I'm not sure what I would throw together. Thoughts?

My life as a drinking game

When I was a kid, I desperately wanted a dog (shocking, no?). My parents didn't cave until I was 13, when they bought my sisters and I the craziest Dalmatian you've ever met; however that is a story for another time.

For years I tried to trick them into letting me get a pet. When kittens were born (every 4 months) under the dumpster behind our elementary school, I'd bring the mewling, flea-covered kittens to my mom's office and dare her to look into their crusty little eyes and deny them a home. Every science fair I begged my mom to let me get mice to train in a maze. Actually, if we're being truthful here, first I asked for rats, thinking she'd never go for that and then I could maybe bargain her down to mice.

Thus began my unhealthy obsession with lab mice and rats. Reading "Flowers for Algernon" only intensified my longing; of course my little mouse would be a genius. I re-read the description of the mouse habitat built by the Grandmother in Roald Dahl's "The Witches" and fantasized about the tunnels and mazes I'd make so my mice minions could follow me around the house, safely out of the grasp of my little sisters.

One of my favorite movies as a kid was "The Secret of NIMH." I still have a VHS copy that I watch sometimes as I fall asleep. I popped it in to watch again last night. As I lay there, waiting for my bed to warm up and fighting the dogs for blankets, I found myself devising a drinking game to go along with the movie.

Take a drink every time Mrs. Brisby is referred to as "Mrs. Jonathan Brisby."

Take a drink every time Jeremy the Crow sneezes.

Take a drink every time Auntie Shrew r-r-r-r-r-rolls her R's.

Take a drink every time Cynthia says "Timmy's sick!"

I could go on. Not only was I laying in bed making up drinking games that no one besides me would ever want to play, I started thinking about what a great blog post it would make.

Clearly I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for post ideas.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Blog Secret

Thanks so much to Nilsa at SoMi for hosting Blog Secret! It was very cathartic and I hope we can do it again. So without further ado, I bring you an anonymous post from one of over 75 bloggers.


Dear You,
I miss you. I considered taking a semester off before changing
schools because of you.
You're leaving for South America and there is a very
good chance that you will never talk to me again.
We can both lie and say
that we'll keep in touch, but neither of us has enough of what the other lacks
to keep things going on.

I'm realizing more and more how perfect we
are for each other. We are alike enough that I don't fear
anything with you,
and you fit perfectly in my arms. I've never slept as well as that first night
next to you.
And I've never had such a long walk as the one from your room
to the train station that day.

I bring your walls down. And you help me
fortify myself. It works. It works like really nothing else I've ever
I'm not going to say it's love, because for the first time I understand what
love is about. It's not about
love at first sight. It's about seeing
potential. Enough potential to take all of the risks that would arise.

guess what I'm trying to say is: I'd wait two long South American years for you.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Lauren wins BIG!!

My sister went on a gambling cruise this weekend. This is the email she sent me this morning when I asked how it went:

Hey sarah...we did go gambling and it was a terrible time...who would of thunk I'd get sick..darn motion sickness...i took 2 Dramamine but I still threw up..twice!! And lost 20 bucks! And then when we were getting off the boat it started torrentially raining on us..so I had to ride back from s.c soaking wet..and I wanted to just take my shirt off to let it dry, but thought it might me inappropriate since it was me, A, her brother and their mom..but I should of just did it..cause now I think I'm dying of pneumonia

Ooh, details please!

i was sitting at the slot machine, we had just hit international waters so we could finally start gambling and I told A that I was going to barf..i said "it's coming" and she said..well let me get u a bag...(a barf bag)...it seemed like an eternity before she came back, enough time for me to throw up 3 times in my mouth and have to swallow it back down...when she finally came strolling back up with the relief bag, I was pretty much done...but I had some spit I could pack the bag with. We then decided to move to the other side of the ship. I sat in the stool for about maybe 30 more minutes..when this old lady came and sat next to me..then I threw up by her...it didn't seem to faze her because she stayed and played some more..much to my disappointment..i wanted her to leave me be...when she finally moved I threw my 2nd and last barf bag away. At this time the swaying of the boat was making my eyes real heavy so I laid my head on my arms up on the front of the slot machines. Much to my amazement I fell asleep sitting in a backless stool swaying with the 3 ft swells of the ocean. I didn't wake up until an old black man sat next to me and woke me up. He then apologized for doing so, and I thought in my head...wtf? There are a million other open slots...but then I just went back to sleep. The boat finally turned around and we were going with the waves, so I felt slightly better. I moved over by A and her mom at the electronic poker seats and laid out there.

And her description of the ride home? Priceless.

Ya..5 hours on that boat...but after I threw up 2 times...i just laid on the slot machines and went to sleep. And what's really funny is I was trying to look cute on the trip because I have a secret crush on A's brother...but if u didn't know already...vomit=not cute. I had to learn the hard way...

Don't we all.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I've been pretty good this year

What I really want for Christmas this year is a real, big girl camera. I can occasionally get some decent pictures with my little Nikon point-and-shoot if I don't have to use the flash, and nobody is moving, and my subject is less than 7 feet away from me, and a unicorn is looking over my right shoulder...

I'd love to get some pictures that look less like my 5 year old niece took them and more like this.

For Daniellie

Sorry this is about a week and a half late, but you know how it is...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I want to see Hulk Hogan beat up Danny Bonaduce

I think my blog is going to join Maxie's and go renegade. I'm participating in NaNoWriMo and the 2500 words a day that are going into my crap novel are sucking all of the life out of my blog. I can't seem to get it together enough to write a coherent, let alone mildly entertaining post.

A few thoughts I've had which, given a little time or effort on my part, could have blossomed into full-fledged posts:
  • Hulk Hogan.
    When I was younger I was a serious Hulk-a-maniac. My mom wouldn't let me get the WWF magazines, but my cousin Michael who lived down the street did. My sister Lauren and I poured over those magazines and begged our dad to teach us wrestling moves. Fast forward to the present day. I may or may not have watched every single episode of Hogan Knows Best. I strong armed my boyfriend into letting me watch American Gladiators at his house every Monday night. Now Hulk has a new reality show on CMT, Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. Danny Bonaduce gives me nightmares, but I still tune in on Saturday nights, if I can stay up until 10.

  • Netflix is messing with my mind.
    I currently have 42 movies in my Netflix queue. Why? Because I'll go through periods in which I'll add a ton of movies that Netflix recommends which I've never heard of. When these movies arrive 4 weeks later, I get all amped up for a pizza and movie night. Unfortunately, I open my little red envelopes to find I've got MirrorMask and Elling waiting for me. Two good movies, don't get me wrong, but not exactly beer-and-pizza fare. On a Friday night, I'm not really in the mode to watch a Norweigan film with subtitles about a neurotic mama's boy and his simple-minded, sex obsessed roommate. Sounded good a month ago when I was bored at work, though.

  • Orange Soda.
    I'm addicted to the stuff. Sure, who doesn't enjoy a Sunkist every now and then, but I'm going through it like gang busters and I'm not sure why.

  • Kath and Kim.
    Is anyone else watching this show besides my friends and I? I love Molly Shannon and I want the show to be a success, but it kind of sucks.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

There once was a puppy named Garp

Once upon a time, I fostered a Great Dane puppy. Long story short, a backyard breeder's most recent litter had resulted in 2 deaf puppies, one male and one female, both of which had been returned after she had attempted to sell several times, and she was getting ready to take them to the pound. I agreed to go and take a look at the puppies, thinking I would maybe bring home the female as a trial companion for Ernie while I found her a forever home. Instead, I came home with Garp: When I arrived at the breeder's home, I was escorted down to the basement that had been converted into a dog room. Right away, Garp, then 'Tank,' ran up to me and started tugging on my scarf and running between my legs. I was smitten. On the ride home, he laid in the passenger seat of my tiny Honda with his head in my lap. I renamed him 'Garp' after one of my favorite John Irving novels. When we got home, Ernie immediately took Garp under his wing as a pit bull in training.

Garp was only 4 months old, but Ernie could easily walk underneath him, and his paws were as big as my hands. When I took him to the vet the next day, he weighed in at 85 pounds. I scheduled his neuter immediately, knowing that my vet charged for anesthesia by the pound and Garp wasn't getting any smaller.

I met an awesome trainer when I took Garp to the groomer (he was absolutely filthy, but already way to big for me to wrestle into my miniscule bathtub). She had never worked with a deaf dog before, but had trained dogs using hand signals and offered to work with Garp and I for free in exchange for the experience. She was also affiliated with the doggie day care I took Ernie to and offered me a discounted rate whenever I wanted to leave the boys there. Like most deaf dogs, Garp was a velcro dog and was already really good at looking to me for cues, so we were able to teach him 'sit' and 'lay down' pretty quickly.

'Stay' was a challenge, because he didn't like to be much more than an arm's length away from either me or Ernie. He took to the halter lead really well and was soon walking politely on a leash. Garp loved Ernie and the two of them would wrestle for hours. I later found small puncture wounds around Ernie's neck where he had let Garp drag him across the living room.

Living with a deaf dog had its challenges and rewards. You cannot be a lazy dog owner with a deaf puppy; no calling out "Hey, get out of the garbage!" I had to physically pull Garp's head out of the garbage when he started digging around in the trash. I was afraid to let him off of the leash anywhere because unless he was looking right at me, there wasn't much I could do to get his attention. My stepdad helped me build a vibrating collar for him out of a remote control car motor, which helped a little bit, but wasn't strong enough to wake him out of a sleep. Letting him out of his kennel was always a trip, because he missed all the audio clues that I was home, like car crunching up the gravel driveway or my keys in the lock. He'd usually be asleep, and I'd open up the kennel and reach in a goose him. He's wake up and immediately start crying with excitement. Perhaps a little cruel, but very entertaining.

Garp didn't usually wake up during the night; he didn't hear the squirrels scampering over the roof or the cats fighting outside that usually woke Ernie up. He'd stretch out in a great white lump at the bottom of the bed and sleep until I woke him in the morning. One night, I woke up to sounds coming from the kitchen. Bleary eyed, I looked down at the foot of the bed. Garp appeard to be passed out as usual. Ernie was asleep on the pillow next to me. I could still hear the sounds coming from the kitchen. I lay in bed, listening. The sounds continued.

Up until that point, I'd harbored a secret fear that, in the event of an intruder, I'd be frozen solid by my fear and be unable to move. This night, however, I got up and grabbed the closest thing I had to a weapon--a knitting needle. Waking Ernie up, I walked down the hall and turned the corner into the kitchen. My heart was pounding and I was absolutely certain I'd see a masked man rooting around my house. As I turned the corner and peeked into the kitchen, however, I saw Garp with his head in the sink, licking the dirty dishes from dinner. What I thought was Garp sleeping at the foot of the bed was actually my down comforter I'd kicked off in a fit of restlessness.

My plan had always been to keep Garp until a friend, S, graduated seminary and moved into his own house. S had flown up to Michigan (where I lived at the time) and had met and fallen in love with Garp. It was the perfect situation, I thought. S would get an awesome dog, Garp would get an awesome home, and I could still see Garp and keep tabs on him. Unfortunately, S was offered the opportunity to go to South Africa for a year and wasn't able to take Garp. I was devastated. I knew I couldn't keep him forever, but it was going to be hard to find a home for Garp that I'd feel comfortable leaving him in.

I put out feelers at my vet's office, the groomer's, the doggie day care...nothing. The lady at the doggie day care offered to board him for me, but I couldn't imagine leaving him over night at the kennel night after night. Garp was a people dog and needed to go someplace where he could get all the attention he needed.

I finally chanced upon a Craig's list ad. A young gay couple was looking for a dog; they had just bought a house and were particularly interested in a deaf dog, because one of the guys, Z, was deaf. I exchanged a couple of emails with Z and agreed to meet him at his house with Garp. I met Z and his partner at their cute little brick two story house. They had already installed a 6 ft. privacy fence in preparation for a dog. Garp behaved beautifully, and I was able to show the guys the hand signals for all of his tricks, which had expanded to include 'off of the couch,' 'get over here now,' and 'move out of my way.' We agreed that I'd bring Garp back that Saturday for a trial weekend.

I bawled my eyes out all the way home. This monster of a lap dog had grown on me. I walked he and Ernie down to the Dairy Queen for one last vanilla cone. Snuggled in my bed with him one last time. Saturday morning came. I collected all of his favorite toys, his halter and leash, and a bunch of treats. I loaded Garp into the car and drove him to Z's. They were so excited about Garp; they showed me the bed they'd gotted and all the new toys they hoped he'd like. Trying not to make a scene, I told them to feel free to rename him; it didn't much matter what you called him because he couldn't hear you anyway. I showed them again how to fit the halter lead. I gave Garp a final hug and walked quickly out of the gate. I looked back, but he didn't. He was busy picking through the new toys he was being offered.

Z sent me an email that Sunday afternoon to let me know they were really excited about having Garp and had agreed to keep him. He thanked me for giving Garp a chance and for giving him a good start. That was 2 years ago, and Z still sends me updates and pictures of Garp, now 'Prince.' He looks happy and healthy, and is absolutely doted on.

Monday, November 10, 2008

It was a fluke, he says

Ok, first up is some bloggy business. If you, like me, have a less-than-private blog and would like to post something absolutely anonymously, Nilsa at SoMi is organizing an anonymous blog swap. By last count there were 60 bloggers participating, and I know I'm looking forward to it. Publish date is the 18th, I think, so there is still time to join.

Now, on to the real news. I finally beat Steve at Scrabble. I attribute it to the power of positive thinking. He's beaten me twice before, but this Sunday I finally got my first win.

**Warning to all you northerners currently experiencing cold/wet/icy/snowy weather. Graphic descriptions of mild North Carolina autumn to follow.**

I'm not really a competitive person by nature. I played one sport in high school, softball, and even then I either played in the outfield or sat the bench. Board games, however, are my jam. Pictionary is my favorite, but I've been known to play a mean game of Taboo, Trivial Pursuit, or Cranium. When Steve challenged me to a game of Scrabble a couple of months ago, I thought I was going to impress him with my mad vocabulary skills. What actually happened was that he blew me out of the water with 10-point "Q's" and his domination of the "Triple Word Score" spaces.

I tried to dismiss this first loss as a fluke, but during a rematch he spanked me again. I had the lead going into the second half, but he shut me down with an 11th hour word blitz. He is convinced I under-estimated him, but in reality, I over-estimated myself. I sadly resigned myself to a future devoid of Scrabble wins.

Scene: Sunday, around 11:00 am. Rather than watch yet another episode of "Snapped" (my new obsession), I challenge Steve to a Scrabble rematch. It's about 65 degrees and sunny, so we headed outside and squared off across the Scrabble board in dueling wheelchairs, the dogs napping at our feet.

"This must be what it's like in a retirement home," Steve mused.

Stop trying to distract me. Game on.

I came out strong with "EXCUSE" for 20 points. He answered with "ROOKIE." The battle raged on, until Steve challenged my "AB" for a triple word score. Vindicated by the On-line Scrabble Dictionary, I challenged his "OZ" and eeked out a 10 point win. IN YOUR FACE, Steve.

At least until next time.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I am a pariah (and not in a good way)

Screw you, Monkey Plague of the Eye. I was trapped in my house with no visitors and no cable, with only the dogs for company. Hemo fled the scene when I started blaming her for my affliction, and only returned for meals. I did, however, watch some interesting movies. If you come down with Monkey Plague of the Eye, I recommend adding the following to your Netflix queue to help you survive while society shuns you:

Striking Distance

Not something I would have ever picked, but it was recommended to me by a friend. Pretty much your typical Bruce Willis action movie. I like SJP, I think she's beautiful, but every time I see her I think about the Family Guy episode where Peter says her face looks like a foot. I'm not sure what that means, but I can kind of see it.

Bad Mutha Fudruckers rate it: 7 (out of 10)

Little Big Man

This is one of my favorite books, and I didn't know there was a movie made of it until yesterday. Is it weird to say that Dustin Hoffman was kind of attractive when he was younger? Because by the end of the movie I had a crush on him. Faye Dunaway is in this movie and is supposed to be this beautiful woman, but all I see is Joan Crawford. Watch the movie, but seriously, read the book. Little Big Man is like Forrest Gump, but with Indians.

Bad Mutha Fudruckers rate it: 6


I've seen this movie in the "4 for $20" bin at Wal-Mart like 50 times, but I never picked it up. Mistake. This movie is way funny, and Christopher Walken as J-Man the barfly is hilarious. This movie is worth watching, if only for Jack Black's hair-do. I want a shiny white horse named Corky, too.

Side note: I would totally buy VaPOOrize. Heck, I'd even buy a can for Steve's neighbors.

Bad Mutha Fudruckers rate it: 7.5

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I love this movie. It makes me cry every time. I love watching the arc of Clementine and Joel's relationship in reverse. I hate her gross hair, though. And I hate that he sleeps on a pull-out couch. Now I really want to take a train to Montauk and walk along the beach in the snow. Oh, and Elijah Wood plays yet another creepy character that you really just want to punch.

Bad Mutha Fudruckers rate it: 9

American History X

I put this in my Netflix queue at Steve's suggestion, and it arrived just in time for my Quarantine Movie Marathon. I've been an Ed Norton fan ever since Death to Smoochy, and he does not disappoint in this movie. There are some pretty disturbing scenes, including the obligatory prison shower rape scene and a "curb stomping." **shudder** Fairuza Balk, the girl with the coolest name ever (in my mind I call her Vercua Salt, but that is besides the point) sports a punk Hitler haircut.

Bad Mutha Fudruckers rate it: 8.5

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Monkey Plague?

Am I going to have to stop reading Crissy's blog? Because I have come down with the Monkey Plague of the Eye, internet friends. I'm so grossed out by this that I can't even comment on the election results, other than to say I am proud, excited, relieved, and humbled. I'll be away from my desk at work for a couple days, which is where I do most of my blogging, so talk amongst yourselves and I'll be back soon to give you the run down.

Here's a little Dexter porn to tide you over.

What a slut.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Thank you, Danny Tanner

I'm sure everyone knows it's Election Day. Get out and vote, cast a provisional ballot if you have to, just do it! Plus, you can collect some serious goodies just for fulfilling your civic duties. Krispie Kreme is giving away free donuts, Ben & Jerry's is giving away free scoops of ice cream (between 5 and 8pm), and Starbucks is giving away free tall coffees. So go vote, and get some free stuff, too!


I was thinking last night about how much I've learned from "Full House." Not a month goes by that I don't thank Uncle Jesse for helping me remember that "Congratulations" is spelled with a 't' rather than a 'd.' In one episode, Joey is pitching his idea for a Ranger Joe tv show, and Jesse made him a cake with "CONGRATS JOEY" written on it to celebrate his success, then covers up some letters to demonstrate how the cake could easily function as a sympathy cake ("RATS JOEY"). It's not like I decorate cakes for a living, but you'd be surprised how often I'm called upon to offer someone congratulations for an accomplishment, be it 1,000th blog post or a coworker's retirement.

Remember the episode where Stephanie is entering the school spelling bee? Danny helps her remember how to spell 'success' by teaching her the pneumonic, "double the c, double the s, and you will have 'success'." Got it!

Speaking of Stephanie, how about when she got tired of her dance troupe and totally messed up their routine to Boyz II Men's "Motown Philly" on purpose so she'd get kicked out? Not cool, Steph. Not cool at all. Especially with that sweet-ass costume. Move over, Sparkle Motion. Stephanie Tanner is kickin' it just for you.

Would I ever wear pleated pants and a vest to my first day of junior high? No way. I learned from D.J.'s mistakes. I don't want to wear the same outfit as my English teacher and end up eating my lunch in a phone booth (A phone booth? Really? Did anyone's school cafeteria have a phone booth?).

Other things I learned from Full House? It is ok to:
  • Ask your Canadian college buddy to move in with you and help raise your three daughters after your wife dies, and expect that friend to live in an alcove off of the living room.
  • Live in your brother-in-law's attic with your new wife and twin boys.
  • Get your family lost on what you believe to be a deserted island, because eventually you will meet up with the Beach Boys and have an awesome family vacation.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Potatoes are cool, until the toppings fall off

I hope everyone had a kick-ass Halloween, because I sure did. I took SO's suggestion and went as a baked potato. My costume really stressed me out because I really didn't start on it until the Monday before Halloween, and I was still putting it together at 7:00pm Halloween night. But I think it came out all right:

...until people started pulling off my bacon bits and eating them.

We started out the night at a friend's house, where he served us "springbok" shots (1 part Creme de Menthe and 1 part Amarula) which looked disgusting but tasted like delicious mint chocolate chip ice cream.
There, Steve got beat up by Boxxy Brown:

There were a lot of awesome costumes downtown.

That's all for now; more to come. Happy Monday!