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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The one where vampires cause me to break into my own car with a screwdriver and an American flag


I am an idiot.

I left work during my lunch break yesterday with two goals in mind: mail my rent check and buy a copy of New Moon. I was unsuccessful in both endeavors.

I went to the Wal*Mart up the road where I thought I would have the best luck buying both the book and some stamps. I'd looked at both Barnes and Noble and Books-a-Million, but every 13 year old girl, her mother, her maiden aunt, and her 20-something sister has been buying up these books so they are pretty scarce. As I grabbed my purse, I glanced at my copy of Twilight sitting on the passenger seat. Visions of Edward-crazed tweens played out in my head, and I decided to lock the doors.

Inside Wal*Mart--no New Moon. Dammit. Defeated, I bought some stamps from the vending machine and headed back to the car. Where I had unfortunately locked the doors with the keys still in the ignition. Double dammit. Spare key? Nope. With the whole of Wal*Mart at my disposal, I figured I could find something to help me break into my own car.

Trolling the aisles, I settled on a flat head screwdriver and a 3 ft. dowel, which unfortunately had an American flag stapled to it. Back at the car, I managed to wedge my door open enough to stick the dowel into the car and push the 'unlock' button on the door handle. After, of course, I had ripped the flag off while cursing the entire Cullen clan and my own stupidity.

It's not everyday you see someone desecrating the American flag and cursing Stephenie Meyers in the Wal*Mart parking lot.

On an up note, writing this post reminded me to mail my rent check.

25 comments:

Kate said...

I think where you originally went wrong was Walmart. Hate it. With a passion. And when I lived in NC, it was the only store around. I feel for ya.

Marie said...

Oh riiiiight need to pay rent. Crap.

Just wanted to also say love your drawings!

Lemmonex said...

I have no idea how to break in to a car. So, maybe you are one step ahead? You could help yourself?

Dingo said...

Next time you should go to Target. Not that this wouldn't have happened but just because I like it better than Walmart.

Arjewtino said...

Wal-Mart wins again. Those bastards.

saratogajean said...

kate - My office is way out in the boonies. It was either Wal*Mart or...

marie - Paying rent sucks. But not paying rent kind of sucks unless your landlord is cool with not getting paid. If this is the case, I want to live with you.

lemmonex - I have mad skillz. PLUS I've seen cab drivers unlock my door on no less than 3 occasions. So I have an idea of how shit goes down.

dingo - I like Target better, too. But Target hates me and lives 15 miles from work. My American flag selection was probably better at Wal*Mart, anyway.

arjewtino - Wal*Mart: 97 billion. Bad Mutha Fudruckers: -4

Fuck.

LBluca77 said...

I hate wal mart with a passion. Everything in that store is a huge mess and the employees are always like 95 years old. I have no patience for that. But I do like that most wal marts have a Mc Donald's in them.

Lump said...

oooh I am notorious for locking my keys in the car while they are still in the ignition with the engine running!

hope you found a copy of New Moon. ;)

Daisee579 said...

I, too, am a card-carrying Wal-Mart hater. This is the second city in which I've lived that contains nothing but a Wal-Mart. At least here they have a Kroger (grocery store), so I can overpay for things like shampoo instead of going into Wal-Mart. But there are a few things I can't get at Kroger, so I'm stuck going in there on occasion. Dumb store.

My BFF in high school locked her keys in her car so often we all got copies and she had at least one or two hideakey thingies attached under her car. I dated a guy in college that volunteered for the sheriff's dept and permanently borrowed a slim jim. I loved it because I didn't have to pay anyone to unlock my car for me. Too bad the dude was an ass.

Nilsa said...

Hello frustrating. Nice to meet you. Maybe next time you should just stick to amazon.com and stamps.com. No?!

Katie said...

Can I just say that I didn't reach too much of your content, but urinated my pants looking at your drawings?

Can I say that?

I did.

Lily said...

I searched two different Targets and three different displays at Barnes and Noble before finding my [paperback] copy of New Moon by the registers there. I should've picked up the next two (if they were there? I was kind of tunnel-visioned...) while I was there. PS - your illustrations are hilarious!

Connie said...

At least you knew where your keys were :-)

saratogajean said...

lbluca77 - Wal*Mart sucks. But roaming the aisles will do wonders for your self-esteem.

lump - Been there, done that. Car running, keys in ignition, door locked, and puppy in the car? Done that, too. I should never, never have children.

daisee579 - Wal*Mart sucks. I'm such a dummy I thought I could buy a slim jim at Wal*Mart. The girl in the tire section was like, "Ah, no, but if Ricky in Electronics is working, he'll do it for you."

Thanks, but no thanks. I'll struggle along with my screwdriver and American flag, thanks. I did get a copy made of my key and one of those magnetic hideakey things. I'm afraid it'll fall off, though.

nilsa - Amazon.com is totally my friend. Last time I went to stamps.com I ended up spending $50 on stamps with a picture of baby Ernie on them.

katie - You totally can say that. As long as you don't urinate on or around my person.

lily - I totally hear you! Like a month ago I was in the store looking for a book to read, and they had all of the Twilights there. I picked one up, but put it back down, thinking that I really didn't need to read another teen romance series.

*kicks self*

I wish I could continue to resist. Alas, I am helpless before the tidal wave that is The Twilight Saga.

saratogajean said...

connie - Yes...they were so tantalizingly close. Never before had I wished for mutant powers a la Shadowcat from X-Men.

BrazenBareToe said...

You are crying out loud hilarious! And very inventive.

This happens so often in my house that the Hubs upgraded us to the AAA GOLD Card Service because he was tired of paying for somone to get me gas, unlock doors and check my tire pressure.

BrazenBareToe said...

After reading my comment it kind of sounds dirty.

saratogajean said...

brazenbaretoe - As long as you aren't saying my penis is hilarious. Or out of gas.

Wait. Scratch that.

I want Gold Card Service.

Maxie said...

Haha too funny! I've locked my keys in my car about a billion times, but that's why I have AAA.

rs27 said...

That mom had no reason to look shocked. Mt. Dew and Doritos? I would rather burn 56 American flags before I have that concoction.

Femin Susan said...

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Congratulations....Your posting is very interesting...Keep writing.. Welcome to my blog...

So@24 said...

So... uh... what flavor of Doritos?

saratogajean said...

maxie - I need to get me some of that AAA.

rs27 - Wow...I know how strongly you feel about the USA! USA!

femin susan - Thanks for reading!

so - Cool Ranch, of course. The skankiest kind.

RHz said...

I've done things like that before. Like when I went to the school to drop my brother's lunch off to him on my way to work and parked in the no parking zone right out front because I thought I'd only be 30 seconds in the office but then I had to have the secretary drive me home to get my spare key and get scolded by the principal.

Dolce said...

Oh wow! Don't worry. To get to my Twilight book I would have done much worse.

Yes, I have problems.

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